How to Get Him on Board

Do you live with someone who is untidy, a little bit messy, and you may have even called him a hoarder behind his back?

If you said a resounding YES, then this blog and podcast episode is for you.

A listener called in seeking advice on what to do when she’s ready to declutter her home and live more minimal but her husband won’t let her touch his things.

Yikes! That’s a question I get from a lot of my organizing dclients.

Listen to her question on the podcast or read it below and then check out my response to her.

I provide some straight forward action steps you can take with living with an untidy, clutter collector that’s going to help you gain more peace of mind in your home.

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Hey Lisa. I was wondering if you could help me with something.

How do I go about decluttering and staying organized when I live with a messy person who will not allow me to touch his things?

I’m able to declutter and organize mine and the children’s things but I’m not allowed to touch my husband’s things.

He has stuff that spills out into the public places of the house. He has stuff everywhere and I’m not allow to touch it.

If you could give me some ideas and advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

This post may contain affiliate links in which case I earn a commission. You can read my full disclosure policy is here.

1. Know What You Really Want

The first step with getting that person to keep a tidier home is to figure out what you actually want and what will make you happy.

If you don’t know, then you will constantly unfulfilled and underwhelmed at any effort your family puts forth. They will never be able to do enough.

So have you taken the time to actually think about and write down what you want in your home to have more peaceful environment?

Grab a journal and take some time walking about your house jotting down all the trouble areas that bring you stress. Every nook and cranny. If you had your way in your home, what things would you change?

Get super clear on what will make you happy in your home. Sometimes we make demands and requests of our family without reason why. This will drive your why and make more sense to them.

2. Declutter Your Stuff First

It’s so easy to point the blame on others when our home is messy. But we can probably look around and realize most of the mess belongs to us. We realized we are not leading by example.

Living in our home we become too familiar with our own mess that we can no longer see it. The only “mess” we see belongs to someone else. It’s not until a good friend, or a professional organizer calls us out on our own clutter that we can see the forest for the trees.

It’s always best to lead by example. We can’t tell others to tidy up when we have junk all over the place.

Where do I start?

I always advise clients to start with the least sentimental room in their home. This is typically the bathroom. But it doesn’t even have to be an entire room. You can start with shelves and a closet first. A quick and easy win will give you the motivation you need to keep going.

3. Have a Sincere Conversation

So now you know what you want and you’ve decluttered your stuff but your spouse is just not getting the hints you’re dropping. Now what?

Now, my friend, is the time to have a heart-to-heart conversation and express your needs and desires to the messy person.

Use “I Statements”

Start the conversation using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Accept the responsibility that you may have been a messy yourself but that you want to change.

Let him know that your home is causing you stress and be specific about why. Take him around the home if needed.

Paint a picture for the other person what you desire the home to look like and the sense of peace you wish to gain.

Let him know what is holding you back from getting to that point and ask for his help. Most people want to help but they just don’t know how or they think it will be too much work.

Respecting Each Other

If there is already a mutual respect in the relationship and he feels valued and honored, I can almost guarantee he will feel obliged to want to meet your needs in this way. That is if he’s capable of doing so.

I mention if he has the capability because not everyone has developed the skill of tidying up. If tidying up is easy for you, this may cause you frustration.

Understand that everyone’s mind, spacial sense and ability to reason and problem solve is different. He may need your help at first.

Your #1 goal at this point is just to earn his trust and permission to get involved to help.

Your Tone of Voice

Also before we move on, let me mention tone of voice. Not only do we need to use “I statements” to communicate our desires but we have to use a tone of voice that is kind yet resolved. There has to be a balance of courage and compassion in your voice.

If you tend to be a demanding, tell-it-like-it-is kind of person, please know your significant other may have his guard up before you even start talking. If you tend to be a push over, he’s not going to take you serious.

Practice your communication skills with a friend. You may even want to read a couple points from your journal to ensure that you cover what you want to say.

4. Set Boundaries

If the messy person is still not on board, it’s important to set boundaries.

If you’re like me and have a hard time setting boundaries and you tend to be a people pleaser, I found the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud to be extremely helpful.

Through that book I learned that setting boundaries with people may hurt them but it doesn’t harm them. There’s a big difference. Harming someone brings lasting emotional or physical pain.

Yes, you may hurt someone’s feelings but it allows personal growth to take place and as we all know growth does hurt sometimes. If your spouse or significant other is still not willing to compromise, you have to muster the courage to set hard boundary lines.

Trust me, it won’t be easy and it won’t be comfortable. It’s never comfortable going against the opinion of someone else. But it’s vital to call the person to correction in the relationship. If the person loves and respects you, he will respect your boundaries as well.

Designate a Storage Space

Your boundaries may include providing the messy person with a designated storage space. A drawer, cabinet, closet or an entire room can be an option.

Let the person know that you want to respect his wishes and desires but that the common areas of the home need to be tidy for the rest of the family.

Compromise that he can have freedom to be as messy as he wants in this area of the home, but if his stuff is laying around in the public areas though, you will remove it and place it in this designated spot.

There has to be a compromise and you must set your boundaries. I know it’s hard, but you’re not alone and you have my support.

Get Support

If you need extra support and coaching with this beyond the podcast and this blog, please get the help and schedule a coaching call with me. I want to come alongside you and support you in your home and family.

My coaching is gentle, tactical and will give you the courage you need to make a change in your home.

4 Tips for Living With a Messy Person

1. Know what you really want
2. Declutter your stuff first and live by example
3. Have a sincere conversation
4. Set boundaries and designate a storage space

I’d love to hear from you!

Do you live with a messy person? What have you tried that works or doesn’t work?

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